Don’t navigate your wife’s cancer alone
Today I had the honor of talking with a local guy whose wife was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. He reached out after seeing the blog to talk.
We chatted about the experience in general, a ton of medical details and the wonderful free resources available. The similarities between our journeys made me stop and think about all the husbands in this city and beyond who are navigating their wife’s breast cancer diagnosis essentially on their own.
To be clear, I definitely don’t have this all figured out, but I’ve learned plenty over the last year since Julie’s diagnosis. So, for those who may need it, I thought I’d share a few reflections and tips with the hope that something helps.
Julie and I in May of 2021 before her diagnosis.
First some hard truths:
Your wife needs you like never before. Her world has been turned upside down. She’s facing the scariest thing in her life that is quite literally trying to take her out. Now’s not the time to go all turtle on her. Don’t go into a shell. This isn’t about you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get into the fight with her.
Cancer doesn’t fight fair. Julie was outflanked from the get-go, and your wife likely will be, too. The tumor snuck up out of nowhere. And to beat the enemy back, she had to essentially poison her own troops then start sacrificing body parts. It sucks. That’s the honest truth. Get ready.
This blog is titled “Letters from the Chemo Suite,” but there have been plenty of times that I felt more like a foreign war correspondent — watching as Julie endured the fight of her life. She’s stronger than I ever realized. So is your wife or partner.
You aren’t that tough, and you don’t have to be. Your wife doesn’t need a superhero. She needs someone who is willing to stand in the gap and push her forward. Remember a few key phrases: “You’ve got this.” “I’m here.” “You can do it.”
You will break. If you think you can out-tough cancer, you are wrong. You can’t fix this one, and that means you’ve got to come to grips with this being outside of your control. Being vulnerable isn’t a weakness. It’s actually a sign of strength. I sat in church a couple of weeks after Julie’s diagnosis last summer and broke down crying nearly uncontrollably. Sobbed like a baby. That emotional release actually helped a ton. And that’s not the only time I’ve cried. Not even close. You can bottle up plenty of things. Not your wife’s cancer.
Finding help
Onto some more pragmatic things. You are not alone, and there are so many incredible resources around to help. We live in Cincinnati, so I’ll share a few resources we’ve found near us, and I’m sure there are many more. But no matter where you live, there’s likely equally wonderful resources close to you.
Breast cancer is far more than a physical disease. Cancer Family Care offers amazing counseling services, massage therapy and so much more. Don’t wait to reach out for their free resources.
This is a wonderful and supportive group who is interested in “putting fun back on your family’s calendar.” They sent Julie and I on a relaxing couples spa day. If your wife is facing breast cancer, take a few minutes to nominate her for some KWF love.
We were so blessed by the meal kits this Dayton-based group sent us while Julie was going through chemo treatment. We received so many meals from kind friends and neighbors, but these weekly free kits really helped, too. They also offer home cleaning and other services.
There’s a ton more I could say to guys dealing with this. Heck there have been entire books written on this very topic. One I found helpful is “Breast Cancer Husband.”
If you find yourself part of this unwelcome club, don’t hesitate to reach out if I can help or if you just need someone to talk with during the journey.
